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“I just want to say to the kids out there watching: You can do anything you want in life. Unless Jay Leno wants to do it, too.” — Conan O’Brien on life and Jay Leno

“Swiss watchmaker Tag Heuer is re-evaluating its endorsement deal with Tiger Woods. Which is ironic, because in order to schedule a career, a wife, and 14 mistresses, you need a really good watch.” — Conan O’Brien on Tiger Woods and Tag Heuer

“President George W. Bush made his debut as a motivational speaker. Afterward, Bush said the crowd was so motivated many of them left halfway through.” — Conan O’Brien on George W. Bush as a motivational speaker

“General Motors has announced that it will be removing its ‘GM Mark of Excellence’ logo from all GM cars. Of course, the GM Mark of Excellence logo doesn’t usually have to be removed because after 50 miles it just falls off.” — Conan O’Brien on General Motors’ logo

“This is Obama’s 12th appearance on the cover of Time magazine. This beats President Bush’s record of 11 appearances on the cover of MAD magazine.” — Conan O’Brien on Time magazine’s favorite cover boy Barack Obama